May at the Heath

Gosh it's been quiet on Cricket Tragics recently – my sincere apologies. I spent 16th May gorging on Michelin starred food and living like a lord at the rather splendid Brocket Hall, while back at the Heath it rained a bit and we won.

30th May I was in Hay-on-Wye pretending to be clever by going to the Hay Literary Festival, and in between times I was controversially rested, in accordance with the Hyde Heath rotation policy. Although it's been in effect for some years, the 2010 season is really seeing a step up in the implementation of this strategy. As we all know, player burn-out is a serious issue affecting today's village cricketers, particularly with the the increased schedules and the intensity with which the game is now played (I can't believe I'm no longer allowed to sit and smoke on the bench at the backward point boundary).

Anyway, we also beat Warner's End (whoever they are) and I assume we beat Ley Hill (but I'm still awaiting confirmation). Needless to say, I'm bloody raring to go for this Sunday's grudge match against, um, TBC.

Nicko plays through the, gasp, off side.

HHCC vs The Lee

Cancelled because The Lee couldn't raise a team. Pathetic.

London Exhibitions.

Bullseye.

HHCC vs Chartridge

Rained off. Nice one, weather.

HHCC vs HHCC

Ah cricket. Ah England. Two weeks of solid sun, and when it comes to the much anticipated curtain raiser to the Hyde Heath 2010 season, what happens? It bloody rains. But we're a tough breed down at the Heath and a wee bit of second innings rain was never going to stop us getting our cricket on.

With the final of the third IPL being screened in the evening, there was definitely a sense that some of the glamour of that tournament had rubbed off on the Heath. Everyone arrived pretty much on time, Jez, Richard and Napes were all nursing injuries (just like Sachin Tendulkar), and we even had a couple of overseas players in the form of Tim's Australian friend (whose name at this moment escapes me) and hotly-tipped Sri Lankan all-rounder Amala (exact spelling to be confirmed).

Me batting

The format of this match is always a slightly unusual one. Two teams of ten Heath players aside face up to each other. In one corner Charlie's Spitfires (captained by stalwart Heath skipper Charlie Samuels) and in the other, Capper's Cavaliers, led by Henry “MS Dhoni” Capper, in a particularly smart retro HHCC baggy blue, dating from Robin's playing days some years ago. The match was to be 40 overs per innings, with a maximum of 8 overs per bowler. Batsmen were allowed a life until they reached 10, and had to retire at 50.

Richard Cousins takes a low catch at 1st slip

And so to the cricket. Somebody won the toss, and we (the Spitfires) batted first. Haddock and Simms got us off to a good start, and Amala continued the good work, driving wristily and picking the gaps at will. If we can get over the fact that it really is quite a trek for Amala to travel from Walthamstow every Sunday, we could have a pretty serious top order this year.

And then, the moment they'd all been waiting for: I strode to the crease, feeling in no form at all. After using up my life top edging a first-ball mow off Richard Austin (bowling off breaks today) I Settled down to score a pretty scratchy half century. Mistimed drives for one were interspersed with the odd pull shot and edge to third man, in a characteristically dour innings. In my defence, Ali, Nick and Rich all bowled extremely well and I was pretty pleased just to battle it out until told to retire. Shame it doesn't count for the averages...

Captain and President survey conditions

After some powerful striking by Brad at the death, we made it up to 193, a competitive total we thought. Rain, however, brought reduced overs and target and it all got a bit confusing. But suffice to say that I bowled rubbish, Capper and Nick both made runs in quick time, and we lost fairly comfortably.

Hey ho, it was nice to get the season started, see everybody again, and to be told by Richard Austin that my new haircut apparently makes me look like George Orwell. Ah the Heath.

What the Mighty Heath could learn from Team England

Two apologies are due: firstly for the extreme quietness of Cricket Tragics over the winter. We've been in hibernation. And secondly for taking a month to post this piece. It comes from Mr J Capper, Hyde Heath Chairman, umpire, and stalwart buyer of rounds in the Plough, so really our tardiness is inexcusable. Sorry JC!

I have been lucky enough to be in Johannesburg watching the 4th and final Test between England and the “Proteas”, as they are now called, from the first ball on Thursday, 14th January to the last on Sunday, 17th. It’s the first game for many years, other than at Hyde Heath, that I have watched from first ball to last and there were a number of rather interesting comparisons. I just wondered whether any of the differences could be the catalyst to the Heath turning into the team they would like to be – or maybe not.

First thing: as we were getting up for breakfast there was a wailing of police sirens, the like of which suggested, at the very least, a major bank robbery, and reinforcing our concerns regarding crime in Jo’burg. Actually it was the England team coach and the escort heading to the ground, crossing all the red lights, and arriving 1 ½ hours before the scheduled toss. Now Atif might have mistakenly jumped a red light, but probably on his evening job, delivering pizzas rather than arriving in a rush to be early, but certainly no-one, other than Charlie, our captain, ever arrived that early before a start. Actually, Jeremy, who lives closer to the ground than anyone else – his house could be used as a boundary marker – usually arrives some time after the teams have taken the field. Not that useful if we’re fielding, as he is one of our opening bowlers! So, the England team arrived early and then started stretching and “warming up”. Not usually seen at the Heath, but there was some familiarity in practicing slip-catching before the game, different only because there was no delay looking for the ball in the nettles every three attempts.

Once the match starts, the teams run (yes, run) onto the pitch with the captain leading (and, even he was running, not hobbling) everyone else following closely, no-one is still smoking and they all seem to go straight to their correct fielding places – they all even seem to know from which end the first over will be bowled and. they don’t have to re-adjust the clock for a delayed start.

Once the game is under way there are a lot of similarities. Probably, the way the ball seemed to be bowled so much faster was down to being so high above sea-level and not any reflection on the fitness of our opening attack. The players on the boundary remember to stop signing autographs in time to walk in for the next ball. Everyone remembers to walk in apart from some excessive players who ran in – every ball. The ball kept on being thrown back to the keeper – not, however, to the left, right or high above him. Each throw was backed-up – and usually stopped. There was an interesting ploy of catching the ball as it traveled back to the bowler, I had always assumed our tactics of dropping it as it was passed round, caused one side to get roughened up slightly quicker...

Strangely, there was no sign of sulking or throwing toys out of the pram when a bowler was taken off, nor did we see any bat-throwing despite some strange decisions. None of the players looked like they were only picked because their wife was making the tea or because their dad was Chairman, Alright, the Barmy Army did make a lot of noise but the WAGs at the Heath aren’t that quiet, particularly as the evening wears on. The only other unusual detail – no-one wore black socks!

Could the “Mighty Heath” learn from this? Probably not; after all, in spite of the early arrival, the keenness in the field and the correct attire, they still lost. Badly.

HHCC vs Bank of England

A pretty straightforward victory over the Bank of England touring team on Sunday ensured an enjoyable Bank Holiday weekend for everyone at the Heath.

In slightly chilly and overcast conditions, stand-in skipper Henry Capper won the toss and elected to field. In Jez’s absence our opening attack consisted of Luke Brennan and James Aird. Luke, in particular, bowled as rapidly as anyone on our team has for years. Sticking to a good line and getting some sharp bounce from a hard, flat wicket he troubled all of their top order. At the other end, Airdy bowled an expensive opening over but soon found his rhythm. Two excellent reflex catches by Capper and an inside edge onto the stumps meant the Bank were three down with about 40 on the board and we were into their middle order.

Brad strikes

Brad and I then bowled in tandem for the next hour or so, taking three wickets each to knock over the Bank for around about 140. I bowled probably the best I’ve bowled all season early on, landing it on a good length and getting appreciable turn and bounce – I even landed a googly and it turned! One dismissal was particularly satisfying: the ball pitched on about leg or middle and leg, the batsman played defensively half-forward, the ball ripped across him, taking the edge to be very well caught by Anouj low down at slip. A real dismissal, like on the telly!

Me Bowling

There were a few entertaining moments as I began to tire and drop short. Nick, fielding on the cover boundary, failed to stop a succession of cut shots, much to his own bemusement. Then I slipped a rank wide down the leg-side which Capper failed to stop. The batsmen went for a quick single. Brad picked up at short fine leg and fizzed the ball in. A direct hit! Surely the batsman was out? But their umpire said no, and the ball cannoned away to the boundary. 6 wides then: that’s got to be a first.

Capper batting

After tea, Capper and Shrimpton opened up and put together a solid partnership, before Shrimpy was LBW. Nick then provided the late fireworks with some beefy hitting as we reached the target one down before even reaching the 20 overs to go mark. With Capper in fine form for his unbeaten 74 we probably could have chased 300.

The Bank’s players – as is their wont – then got dressed up in fancy dress. With a theme of ‘something beginning with G’ there were some great outfits – gangsters, gladiators, gays and even God. With singing and dancing until closing time, the Plough didn’t know what had hit it...

Ivinghoe & Pitstone vs HHCC

Back in July when Henry Capper dropped an absolute dolly against Chesham Bois, I wrote “Surely this year’s Cack Award is in the bag?” After Sunday’s loss away to Ivinghoe & Pitstone, that may well have to be reconsidered. I emerged as a serious contender for the award by dropping two (or, according to Richard Austin, 3) moderately straightforward catches at long-on. The sun was at a pretty tricky angle though…

At least I had earlier contributed to the team cause by taking a rather good catch, running and then diving forward at mid-wicket. In a rare limited overs game for the Heath, I had also bowled tidily to record figures of 2 for 18 from my allocated 8 overs – both wickets plum LBW. Capper, on the other hand, reasserted his hold over the coveted Cack Award with a performance of masterful incompetence. Waiting at the Plough before heading off, I received a call to say that he had just woken up, under an hour before we were due to start, in Hackney. When he did eventually arrive, about 30 overs into the match, he kicked off with two terrible throws from the outfield, both leading to overthrows, and was then out, caught at mid-off for single figures. Classy.

Despite all this, the Heath started well. We had the opposition 45 for 5 after they had won the toss and elected to bat. But from here our fielding disintegrated and we allowed them to finish on 174, with their young left-hander scoring one of the worst 50s I’ve seen in a while. In all, we dropped eight catches – Nick two caught and bowled chances (one was admittedly very tough), Dom two behind the stumps (and he failed to collect the ball for a run-out), Airdy one running backwards at point, Jez a sitter off me at mid-on, and of course my two (or three) at long-on.

Our top order then made a meal of the run-chase and before long we were about 35 for 5 with myself and Nick at the crease. We proceeded to forge a partnership of 103, with Nick playing some fantastic shots, none better than a gloriously timed straight six back over the head of their off-spinner. We ran well between the wickets and I simply sought to give Nick as much of the strike as possible. With about 35 needed off 6 (I think) I was bowled for 36, cutting one that kept low and the match was very much in the balance.

Nick then took their other off-spinner to the cleaners, with some clean hitting over mid wicket and with 14 needed off 18 balls surely the match was ours for the taking. But then their opening bowler returned to bowl his last over. He started by clean bowling James Aird for 0, but when Brad struck him beautifully through mid on for 4, we were surely home and dry?

Alas, no. Brad was bowled off the penultimate ball and Jez was then cleaned up first ball, the last of the over. Charlie strode out, needing only to give Nick the strike. Their medium-pacer bowled a clever slower ball, Charlie played down the wrong line and was bowled – another Heath duck. We were all out 8 runs short, with Nick left unbeaten on 93. It was a pretty poor team performance in an exciting match: Nick’s innings was brilliant, and we really let him down.

But we won the Ashes, and that’s all that really matters.