HHCC vs Great Missenden Pelicans

Skies of cold pewter and a rancid batting collapse marked the start of my 2012 cricket season. After two cancellations due to conditions underfoot, Hyde Heath had kicked things off with an away draw against the Lee the week before, but then came this horrible loss at home, at the once proud and noble Heath. Fortress no more, perhaps?

I have to confess that my slowness in getting round to writing about the match means that it has rather faded into the dank grey that birthed it. Which, to be honest, is probably a good thing. 

We won the toss and bowled first, as is customary. Ali bowled splendidly on a slow pitch to take six wickets and limit the Pelicans to an eminently chase-able 170ish. Operating as second spinner again (harrumph) I took two wickets to mark a reasonable start to the season – although I did drop short too often, and with the wicket the furthest over by the road, was donked for several sixes.

The batting progressed rather serenely until the departure of Capper for a tidy half-century. From 100-odd for 3, we collapsed in a horrible heap. Our entire middle and lower order contrived to get themselves out in stupid ways (I ran myself out second ball) and despite Richard Austin's pyrotechnic 30-odd, we went down by twenty runs. Not good.

HHCC vs Bank of England

Haha oh dear. What a hilarious match. Never, I don't think, have I seen Hyde Heath – the mighty, noble Heath – collapse in quite such dismal fashion as we did against Bank of England this Sunday. Never though, it must be said, have I seen the Heath fielding such a weakened team – with both the batting and the bowling looking extremely thin, and, indeed, the fielding. But we can come to that later....

Will Cousins defends

First, the main event: 43 all out. Truly dismal. The rot started with a potentially dubious LBW decision against Dom, who had made 13. Henry then played down the wrong line (or received a vicious off-cutter, depending on who you ask) to get bowled. Spencer was also then bowled, missing a swipe at a low full toss, resulting in the tantalising prospect of the two Cousins – Richard and Will – batting together. Despite some stout defence however it was not to last long, and then we really fell in a heap. Matt clipped to mid-wicket, Jez was caught behind first ball and Liam was bowled, also first ball. I strode out as last man (at number 10) needing to survive the hat-trick ball in order to give Fergus (borrowed from the oppo to give us at least a semblance of a cricket XI) the chance of facing a delivery. Sadly it was not to be, as the ball pitched on a length, shot along the ground and I too registered the dreaded golden duck.

My horrible technique

Earlier, stand-in skipper Matt had won the toss and elected to bowl on a pitch that looked like it would offer a bit to the seamer. We needed to take advantage of the new ball, but Jez failed to locate his usual probing line and length, Spence dropped too short too often, and before we knew it, the Bank had 50 on the board without loss. Matt then turned to Dom and I and we exerted a modicum of control, as well as picking up the occasional wicket. I bowled reasonably – and it was good to get a nice long spell – but neither Dom nor I ever threatened to really run through the opposition. Although perhaps things might have been different were it not for our fielding: specifically, Jez dropping not one but two of the all-time dollies (both of them probably as bad as Capper's spill the week before). Cue strop.

Is that a full toss? Probably...

In the end I took four wickets and Jez returned to bowl full and straight and mop up a tail-end in pursuit of quick runs. The Bank finished on 180, a total which turned out to be well, well beyond us.

On the plus side, Sunday saw the first time Hyde Heath had served up a hot tea – a delicious chilli con carne made by Janet – which is definitely something we could look to add to our repertoire, particularly as the cold and grey of September closes in.

The other positive was that at least it was the Bank of England against whom we collapsed in a heap. They're always a splendid bunch and there's certainly something rather nice about getting to the pub before 6 in the knowledge that the next day is a bank holiday. Good old booze – the universal healer.

The Bank dressed as Australians. Note the presence of 'The Don'

HHCC vs Phoenix

Note carefully the craft of the spinner: the ball dips from above the eye-line, luring the batsman into an aggressive stroke...

Oh no... wait, it's 6. Again.

An ex-Chairman writes...

Phoenix cricket club was a fixture from the exchange and not a regular foe. They were very pleasant on and off the field but slightly too good for us on this occasion.

Hyde Heath took the field on a very warm and humid afternoon. Despite having most of the top bowlers playing, Phoenix made us struggle in the field. Jeremy had four maidens in a row after a wayward first few overs, but the pressure lifted with some loose deliveries once the opening pair of Jeremy and Alastair came off. It wasn’t a great day to be fielding and their opener and captain made a century off tiring bowlers. One inspiring moment came when Tom Jeffreys produced a snorter to pin his man, LBW; not a typical wicket for our answer to Ian Salisbury. Let’s hope this is the start of a resurgence of form as one must question where the snarl and grunt of previous seasons has gone?

Phoenix took a very pleasant tea, thank you Mrs Shrimpton and Miss Morgan, with 196 runs for 8 wickets, a score made better by a very slow outfield.

Hyde Heath have an uncanny knack when batting of looking at one minute, unbeatable and, at the next, like rabbits. This was a disaster of a performance. After Dominic was stumped while closer to the bowler than his own crease, Henry and James played some sublime cricket. Both have looked in very good form this season and were taking the score along with ease. Henry, then, missed a straight one and James tried out the catching of the deep field.

Normally, the Heath would have batted with some care and either crept over the winning line or held on for a draw. Unfortunately, there was 20/20 batting at one stage. Andrew seemed to have a hot date waiting and Nick was in a bit of a rush too. Spencer, however, made a patient 10 off 31 balls – the 10 being hit off two balls in the middle! Bradley seemed to be playing French cricket with his second ball chipped back to the bowler after Liam, again, was chasing that hot date.

Normally, “9,10, Jack” in the Hyde Heath team bat with more technique than anyone. However, Tom did have a hot date, although with the good manners to wait around for 18 balls, leaving Jeremy and Alastair to hold out for the draw. This they did for 28 balls until Andrew, umpiring this time, remembered his assignation and we had LOST, for the first time this season!

Phoenix played well and deserved their victory, but it was a bit frustrating as Hyde Heath had looked to be cruising in the early part of the innings and looked well set to save it at the end.

HHCC vs Chartridge

HHCC Academy of Excellence

Apologies for the delay in getting the first match of the season written up. Regular readers have been emailing in threatening to cancel their subscriptions if I don't get a move on, and I had promised that the much-heralded new direction for Cricket Tragics wouldn't alienate our existing audience. Sorry!

And so to the cricket, the long-awaited first match of the season. Surprisingly, the day dawned bright and fair, and Charlie won the toss, and we fielded, of course. I can't remember all that much of what took place, other than rather predictably – after the amazing net sessions, and the promising warm-up match – I dished up a load of old tripe and got panned round the park. The others bowled well though, particularly Brad, who after an understandably rusty first couple of overs, really found his length and some movement back in through the air. Some of his deliveries genuinely looked unplayable and he removed the cream of Chartridge's top order (ie the one guy who actually looked like he might be good).

At the other end I leaked runs like an incontinent mutt and Chartridge took tea on about 150, eminently gettable we assumed, and we were right, just.

At 105 without loss we were cruising. Dom and Henry were batting well, easing smoothly through the gears and run rate wasn't much of a problem. But then it came. The inevitable Hyde Heath collapse. I think we lost 7 for 40 on our way to making an absolute meal of an extremely straightforward chase.

After a series of misjudged strokes, it was left to Brad and Ali to score 6 off the final over, with just two batsman waiting in the pavilion. Ali crunched an elegant square cut, and scarpered a single to level the scores. 1 to win off the final ball, it came down to. Cool as you like, brad played an immaculate forward defensive. And ran. Ali hared down from the non-strikers end. The throw was wild and we were home in some style. Quite what style though, I'm not entirely sure.

A note in passing: I suspect that the reason certain readers have been so desperate for the Tragics report to be published is that instead of loyally supporting the mighty Heath throughout the dying moments of a truly electric cricket match, they elected to pay a visit to the Plough. For shame!