World Exclusive! The 26.5 yard pitch!

Thank God for the internet, huh? In times of yore, if one’s story was suppressed by mainstream media outlets, the options were pretty limited: you could print your own pamphlets (costly), wear a be-sloganed sandwich-board around London town (and risk being deemed a crackpot) or simply keep schtum. Well not any more!

Cricket Tragics have been in contact with a certain member of Hyde Heath cricket club who has had his story suppressed for nearly 3 years now. It was never published on the official HHCC website due to behind-the-scenes political double-dealings, but now, at last, the truth will out! Cricket Tragics spearheads the fight for freedom!

Reproduced below is the letter that has caused all the trouble.

Sir,

I would like to report what I believe is a first in the normally not-very-cutthroat world of village cricket.

Early this season, I turned out as is my wont for the village of Hyde Heath in a friendly match against the normally very friendly local village of Chartridge. We lost the toss and the opposition elected to bat on a track which our groundsman had covered with our newly-acquired plastic sheeting (aka “covers”) at 7.30 that morning, displaying a meteorological prescience which would have shamed Bill Fish.

It rained “halberds” as the French say until just before the scheduled start time of 2.00 but we were able to remove our covers and start play on time on a wicket which was dry and bouncy.

Being the first match of the season, there was a certain inevitability that our opening duo who are unplayable by mid-August, should display some rustiness, characterised by an apparent inability to land the ball in the batsman’s half of the wicket. This tactic, apparently intentional, elicited from the opposing batsmen a degree of aggression quite out of keeping with a so-called friendly match.

The bowlers continued to bowl very short, the batsmen repeatedly dispatched the ball to all corners of the lush early season outfield and the score was well into the 20s after only 15 minutes or so. Dissent began to grow in the Hyde Heath camp. Our captain was known to have imbibed injudiciously the previous evening, our 11th man’s fielding revealed that he had never visited a cricket field before, our keeper was taking the ball on the second bounce and our widely acclaimed team spirit was beginning to falter. Matters came to a head when 2nd slip, our self-appointed senior pro, provocatively challenged the captain to “get a grip of his bowlers”.

At this point your humble correspondent, having witnessed proceedings from the vantage point of first slip, reached a trial conclusion: the wicket was too long. Nature has blessed me with a natural one-yard stride and I was able to ascertain by dint of measured pacing that the pitch was not one, not even three but a full 4.5 yards longer than it should be, an excess in excess of 20%!

Imagine: a cold April day, an over-wintered bowler no longer in the first flush of youth seeking to build up to a full 63mph and finding that he is unable to land the ball anywhere near the opposing batsman and then discovering that our Chairman, an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist with apparent aspirations to be a pitch inspector, abetted by our normally competent groundsman, had conspired to create a Frankenstein monster of a pitch fully 26.5 yards long.

The bald facts of the case are that we re-measured the pitch, re-drew the creases, allowed the visitors the benefit of their good fortune and hung on for a draw. The deeper and alarming truth is that two teams of professed enthusiasts of the summer game plus two seasoned umpires failed to spot the travesty.

Is this an indictment of the falling standards which beset our society more widely; or was something more sinister at work, perhaps some form of mass hypnosis? Ball-tampering is one thing, but pitch-tampering! How would Darrell Hair have addressed such a threat? The longer-term ramifications are still unclear, but one feels that our beloved game is in peril. This matter is a long way from over.

20 September 2006

Name withheld by the editors of Cricket Tragics

Spring Dreaming?

By the time this article has been checked by the Cricket Tragics roster of editors and proofreaders, Monday’s decision on where this year’s IPL is to be held may already have been made. With India unable to guarantee suitable security, the choice looks to be between England and South Africa.

Maybe this is the early spring sunshine speaking, but this could be precisely what English cricket and Giles Clarke need after the Stanford scandal and the quiet death of the EPL.

The IPL is the world of the ‘what if’: it gives Warne and now Pietersen the chance to show the captaincy skills that have been passed over at national level; it lets us see whether a top order of Gilchrist, Afridi, Gibbs and Symonds could top 300 in 20 overs (last year, an emphatic no for the out-of-pocket Deccan Chargers); whether old pros like McGrath can still contain the finest young talents (an equally emphatic yes so far); and, most importantly, whom Harbajhan can antagonise other than the Australians.

With the ICC World 2020 also coming up in June, England has the chance to show that it is better at hosting international cricket events than it was 10 years ago. This could, in turn, open the way to British grounds regularly becoming neutral Test match venues, a hobby-horse of Clarke’s for some time and a move that is surely key to the future of Test cricket: not only is Pakistan likely to remain a no-go area for the foreseeable future, but Test crowds outside England are often non-existent. The large British Asian community, a prime reason behind the near guaranteed Test ticket demand, currently seems, according to South African sources, to be a key factor swaying the BCCI, alongside the possibility of road (rather than air) travel between games.

At the risk of sacrilege, it may appear the biggest problem is that England’s very possible Ashes capitulation in the face of the Mitchell Johnson show could seem like an anticlimax.

Far from it: as Andrew Miller argues, the conflict between Sky, broadcaster of the West Indies Test and one-day series, and Setanta, holder of IPL rights, might be deadly. The hijacking of the county 4-day season (which begins, like the IPL, in mid-April) will surely also cause some sort of kerfuffle, though the first round of May’s Friends’ Provident Trophy might perhaps migrate to reserve grounds without too much fuss. And surely the weather ought to be an issue, particularly when a South African summer is the other option?

Perhaps, then, this will all remain in the world of the ‘what if’ and be forgotten, in a few days, along with the spring sunshine. Now, though, I’m not so sure – and I’m beginning the week excited, but worried about the primacy of Test cricket.

Some thoughts on Graeme Smith...

I just read this piece on Cricinfo about Graeme Smith's recent heroics in Sydney, and I have to say I totally agree.

A few years ago, when Smith slaughtered England's bowlers to the tune of consecutive double centuries (ending Darren Gough's Test career in the process) I wasn't a big fan of the outspoken South African captain. He seemed to come from the chest out, gum-chewing, Matthew Hayden school of cricket, one not exactly known for its charm.

When his side came a cropper (yet again) to the barbed taunts of Shane Warne, I couldn't help but smile. And when Matthew Hoggard made Smith his rabbit on the tour to South Africa, I laughed for weeks. I have few better memories than that of Smith falling flat on his face to a Hoggard in-swinger, before picking himself up and trudging back to the pavilion having been given out LBW.

But over the years I've warmed to Smith, as I'm sure he'll be delighted to know... It started when he played for Somerset. Not for him the constant changing of counties, turning up for a match here and there, taking his cash and heading home. When Somerset won the Twenty20 Smith's delight was genuine. His affection for his team mates (and vice-versa) was warm and obvious.

Today, Smith is one of the best batsmen in the world, probably the best captain, and poised to lead his team to the top. He is admired by all who play or watch the game. Now that he is in charge of a good side, the side that he wants, he is able to relax and display a sense of humour. That can only be a good thing.

I have one fear however, and that is that over the next two years South Africa will fall prey to the same problems that beset England post-2005. The warning signs are there already: South Africa's squad is pretty thin, if there are any injuries to the current XI. Who comes in if Steyn is injured, or Kallis?

And then there's the injuries to Smith. When Vaughan bust his knee, English cricket went bust with it. Let us hope that Smith can recover quickly: in time to give the Aussies another pasting, and take the Number 1 spot in the ICC rankings that they deserve