HHCC vs Bank of England

I unfurl yet another devastating leave. This is what the crowds have come to see.
Image credit: Al Shirley.

After last year's blip it was back once again to winning ways against the Bank of England, without doubt one of the most fun fixtures of the year. This time it was not so much the fancy dress – although the Olympics drugs tester was an inspired call – but the cricket that got the crowds a-natter over a glorious bank holiday weekend.

Truth be told however, it's now over two weeks since the match in question and despite regular, increasingly urgent, reminders from Mrs Capper, I've been distinctly remiss in my duties. The result is that I can barely remember a thing, and therefore, in the style of cutting edge (exploitative, loss-making) media companies like the Guardian, Cricket Tragics are going down the route of crowdsourcing.

So, below is a list of the things that I can remember from the match. Those who were there (and even those who weren't) please feel free to add in your memories/fantasies/apocryphal anecdotes. Thanks awfully!

Those bullet points then:

1. The highlight of the match by some distance: Jez's devastating opening spell – devastating for us, that is. What was that, Jez? 8 wides in three overs? Richard Austin was crying with laughter at 1st slip. Apparently it had been a big night... The most amazing thing was that Charlie's decision to remove him from the attack was met not by the usual scowl of displeasure but a big grin from the bowler himself. Priceless.



2. Otherwise, we bowled tidily enough until two of the Bank's middle order took a liking to our change bowling and thrashed the total up to in the region of 190.

3. In what seems like a new strategy designed to minimise the percentage of the match report dedicated exclusively to my own (in)actions I wasn't called upon to bowl, and instead was asked to open the batting.

4. Instead of taking full advantage of a lack-lustre bowling attack, I slapped a full toss to mid-off for 9 to pave the way for a brilliant partnership between Shrimpy and Simon Chase, who put on something in the region of 150.

5. The highlight of which was Chasey's nonchalent dismantling of their off-spinner: lofted straight drive for four, deft reverse-sweep for two, fierce pull for four more. Have a blow mate. Thank you very much.


Chasey on the drive



(PS. This week's match – against Wroxbourne or something – is written up and ready to go. Don't want to spoil you though: will post tomorrow!)

Cricket in the Wilderness

While the past week has seen London awash with Olympic fervour of cultish proportions – blanket media coverage, garish uniforms and tourist columns of wide-eyed enthusiasm – true sporting greatness was being contested not in the billion pound stadia of Stratford but in the exquisitely idyllic surroundings of Cornbury Park, just outside Charlbury in Oxfordshire. Two incompetent teams of cricketers slug it out in gentlemanly fashion. A swelling crowd gaze on intent, drunk on Pimm's and the picturesque. A commentator rumbles on in tones of slurringly clipped precision. A man in a tutu charges in to bowl. The umpire is asleep in the grass. Welcome to Wilderness.

Click here to read the full review on Spoonfed.

HHCC vs Bourne End

Phew, what a match! They say you learn more in defeat than in victory, and certainly Hyde Heath's excruciatingly narrow defeat at the hands of old foes Bourne End this Sunday was instructive in many ways. That we got so close was down to some inspired batting from Luke Brennan whose brilliant, occasionally brutal, valiant but ultimately futile unbeaten innings of 81 took us much closer to the opposition's total than we probably deserved to. Coming on the back of Capper's sensibly aggressive 60-odd, it was nearly enough to see us home. But not quite.

As Peter Moore's might have said, it all came down to the one percenters: over the course of the match we made several small errors which, when totted up, were sufficient to entail defeat as opposed to victory. Despite conceding a fairly colossal 222 off just 30 overs in a rain-affected match we actually weren't that bad in the field. We dropped a couple of tough chances and some mistakes were made on the boundary. I bowled a few too many full tosses, Spence was possibly given too long a spell against some seriously hard-hitting batsman and Jez's closing overs were sent unceremoniously to the cleaners. (So much so that he actually finished with a worse economy rate than me! Not that I mentioned it repeatedly or anything...)

But we actually didn't do that much wrong; we simply came up against a couple of very clean hitters having a good day. Anything they timed went for six and anything they top-edged found the gap. It was immensely frustrating at times, especially as a bowler. The figures at the halfway stage did not make for good reading...

Chasing that kind of total we needed a quick start (which we got) and we needed to maintain it. We couldn't afford the required rate to steeple, but nor were we ever likely to get well ahead and coast. The top order all scored quickly but apart from Henry we lost wickets too frequently. With quick scorers Dom, Nick and Harry all perishing in slightly anti-climactic ways, it always looked an uphill task. That said, with 90 needed off the final ten anything was possible. Unfortunately Henry's dismissal brought Tim Barnsley to the crease, who struggled to give the strike to Luke. Two quiet overs (including the first maiden of the match) meant that, realistically, our hopes were dashed.

Luke was not to be beaten however, and as Tim and then myself struggled to do much more than push singles, he reeled off a flurry of sixes that took us, in the end, within to ten runs off Bourne End's intimidating total. It could have been even closer, had we not done a South Africa and misread the opposition's score...

So what did we learn? Well two things. Not lessons as such – I'm unlikely to actually change my behaviour on the back of this newfound knowledge – but interesting things nonetheless:

1. When things are going badly, people (by which I mean me) will seek to place the blame anywhere they can. Example: after my second and third deliveries – both rank full tosses sent dismissively to the boundary – I turned to Charlie and asked him to change the field (the implication being somehow that a lack of 1st slip had caused these two shockers). Quite rightly, he told me to shut up and bowl. Then, after the umpire had turned down a plum LBW shout (with the sheepish reply of “bowl another one of those and I'll give it next time”) I bowled another rank delivery that was pummelled into the leg side. Ali's tired-looking effort in the deep led to another smattering of grouchiness from yours truly.

2. Conversely, you can tell a side feels they're well on top when they start making generously sporting gestures. For evidence, think of Australia's self-righteous sermonising in the 1990s: it's easy to preach about the Spirit of Cricket when you know you're going to thrash the opposition by an innings. Sunday saw a more entertaining example, when Bourne End recalled Tim after it emerged he'd been caught behind on the first ball of the bowler's seventh over (the 30 over innings reducing each bowler's allocation to just six). Given that the next man in was your notoriously fast-scoring correspondent, perhaps it was a strategic move. In the end though, it didn't make much difference.

HHCC vs Cublington

After an extremely long weather- and marriage-induced break, Cricket Tragics were back with a bang this Sunday. In truth, we did play a couple of weeks ago (away against Ivinghoe and Pitstone) but have now completely forgotten what happened. We apologise yet again to our long-suffering readership.

Yesterday saw Fortress Heath subjected to some extremely bizarre weather, with patches of bright summer sun interspersed with deluges on an apocalyptic scale. There was even a moment of hail, I think. Fortunately the Heath's state-of-the-art weather-countering systems (three big plastic sheets) prevented the pitch from being ruined, and there were sufficient periods of non-rain for 35 overs per side (although we didn't end up finishing until about 8pm).

After we won the toss and elected to field, Cublington's openers compiled a steady stand that laid a platform for a big innings – careful at first against Jez and Luke before opening up as Spence struggled a little with his line. Charlie – not our erstwhile skipper but a relative newcomer to the Heath – broke the stand with his probing left-arm seam and bowled with accuracy, a bit of movement and some good bounce to take 4 wickets in total.

Of primary interest though of course is the bowling of Hyde Heath's première leg-spinner. How he's been missed in all those rained-off matches! Well it didn't start well, as their captain hit some brutal shots in taking my first over for 12 (or maybe it was more – I forget). But I had my revenge. A massive LBW shout first ball of my second over was followed up with a defensive stroke betraying new-found respect. Then the third ball, he was done in the flight and clean bowled. It was unsurprisingly satisfying.

After keeping it so tight for so long we let things slip quite badly in the last ten overs of the Cublington innings and allowed the oppo up to a potentially challenging 172 from their 35 overs.

Potentially challenging of course were it not for my staggeringly dull innings of 37, batting at number 2. After Dom and Alex departed early, my role was pretty much to see off their captain – who bowled with decent pace and moved it cleverly both ways. This I just about managed whilst at the other end Nicko was looking increasingly classy. The customary timing and power were now allied to some good thinking – when he drilled a four through the covers, and then followed it up with a calmly pushed single to take advantage of the change in the field, he looked set for a big one. Alas, he was sawn off by a simply staggering catch at square leg – a flat six somehow plucked cleanly from the sky.

Harry kept the run rate up so I didn't have to, before I perished trying to actually score a run. Despite a few later wickets, Luke showed his class to see us home by three wickets with two overs left. A hard-fought, close match with some quality cricket and a victory for the Heath. What more could you want??

Official Statement

Full text of the press release issued by Mr Deepak Svengali-Singh, on behalf of his client, Cricket Tragics.

1. Contrary to popular rumour, my client has not been dropped from the Hyde Heath Cricket Club for loss of form, spread betting or the pre-arranged bowling of rank long hops for cash.

2. My client has decided to take a month off from the long, arduous village cricket season in order to spend some time with the soon-to-be Mrs Cricket Tragics.

3. He hopes to return to the team in July, although understands that competition for places is extremely tight, doesn't expect to simply waltz back into the side, you have to earn the right etc...

4. During his time off, my client asks the press to respect his privacy and to understand that there will be no match reports on the Cricket Tragics blog until July.

5. There may be the occasional non-Hyde Heath cricket-related post. My client is currently considering something about two excellent but very different cricket books, We'll Get 'Em in Sequins by Max Davidson and A Last English Summer by Duncan Hamilton.

6. For the thousands of you desperate to hear how the Heath get on each week, my client recommends checking the HHCC match reports page.

7. For those of you wishing to be subjected to a never-ending stream of inane drivel, please follow my client on Twitter.

HHCC vs Chesham

After last week's grim procession, a very different match to follow. But victory still eludes the Heath. The news that I was to captain the team was greeted, perhaps unsurprisingly, with glorious sunshine, and after Capper lost the toss (he was delegated Chief Leadership Vision Strategist whilst I retained the role of On-Field Executive Decision-Maker and Management Facilitator) we were invited to bat first.

Capper drives

With the sun beating down, the outfield fast, and the pitch playing flat and true (Mikey explained something technical about mid-week watering and sunshine) Haddock and Capper got us off to an absolute flier. The Chesham attack was not a bad one at all, but the one iffy ball an over was punished mercilessly as the pair motored along at just shy of 7 an over. Capper timed some glorious strokes that raced between mid-on and mid-wicket, whilst Dom was severe on the short ball and played several hugely impressive lofted drives either side of mid-on. The introduction of legspin from both ends slowed things down a notch, before, the very ball after the drinks break, Dom was caught and bowled for 73 (triple juggled) by the leggie from the Plough End.

Textbook stuff from Shrimpie

Shrimpie, Nicko and Harry continued the controlled carnage, while Capper was dismissed two runs short of what would have been a fine hundred – the other leggie clinging onto a stinging return catch low down. It was still an excellent innings and the bedrock of an impressive total of 259.

Capper superbly caught by the bowler (great photo too!)

After tea (and some first class chicken tikka sandwiches from Nicko) it was time to see what the Heath could do with the ball. Before we even made it to the field though, problems struck. Suffering from dizziness, Atif was driven home by his mate Shaz, who promised to return with another of his mates. That neither of them reappeared left us very light on bowling, but hopefully Atif is ok!

Fronting up to adversity like all great captains (or something like that) I decided to bowl the second over, from the Plough End, and was instantly rewarded with a double wicket maiden. Jez struck in his second over and I again in the fourth to leave Chesham in tatters at 7 for 4. From there Chesham had no option but to shut up shop. With the pitch flat and increasingly slow, no turn, seam or swing to speak of, and faced with a Chesham middle order prepared to graft hard, the match petered out into a dull draw. Everybody barring Capper turned their arm over, and I set some increasingly ludicrous fields (three short mid-wickets anyone?) but it was all to no avail, as Chesham finished 7 down, and the Heath's season remains winless.

Me bowling (note the Stop HS2 sign in the background)

Special thanks for their stints as substitute fielders must go to Ritchie Austin and the supremely energetic Stanley Burgham, who put many of his seniors to shame despite having already played a match for his own club that morning. Much more sensibly, I was in the pub at the time, watching a glorious Ian Bell cover drive...

HHCC vs Great Missenden Pelicans

Skies of cold pewter and a rancid batting collapse marked the start of my 2012 cricket season. After two cancellations due to conditions underfoot, Hyde Heath had kicked things off with an away draw against the Lee the week before, but then came this horrible loss at home, at the once proud and noble Heath. Fortress no more, perhaps?

I have to confess that my slowness in getting round to writing about the match means that it has rather faded into the dank grey that birthed it. Which, to be honest, is probably a good thing. 

We won the toss and bowled first, as is customary. Ali bowled splendidly on a slow pitch to take six wickets and limit the Pelicans to an eminently chase-able 170ish. Operating as second spinner again (harrumph) I took two wickets to mark a reasonable start to the season – although I did drop short too often, and with the wicket the furthest over by the road, was donked for several sixes.

The batting progressed rather serenely until the departure of Capper for a tidy half-century. From 100-odd for 3, we collapsed in a horrible heap. Our entire middle and lower order contrived to get themselves out in stupid ways (I ran myself out second ball) and despite Richard Austin's pyrotechnic 30-odd, we went down by twenty runs. Not good.