HHCC vs Chesham

After last week's grim procession, a very different match to follow. But victory still eludes the Heath. The news that I was to captain the team was greeted, perhaps unsurprisingly, with glorious sunshine, and after Capper lost the toss (he was delegated Chief Leadership Vision Strategist whilst I retained the role of On-Field Executive Decision-Maker and Management Facilitator) we were invited to bat first.

Capper drives

With the sun beating down, the outfield fast, and the pitch playing flat and true (Mikey explained something technical about mid-week watering and sunshine) Haddock and Capper got us off to an absolute flier. The Chesham attack was not a bad one at all, but the one iffy ball an over was punished mercilessly as the pair motored along at just shy of 7 an over. Capper timed some glorious strokes that raced between mid-on and mid-wicket, whilst Dom was severe on the short ball and played several hugely impressive lofted drives either side of mid-on. The introduction of legspin from both ends slowed things down a notch, before, the very ball after the drinks break, Dom was caught and bowled for 73 (triple juggled) by the leggie from the Plough End.

Textbook stuff from Shrimpie

Shrimpie, Nicko and Harry continued the controlled carnage, while Capper was dismissed two runs short of what would have been a fine hundred – the other leggie clinging onto a stinging return catch low down. It was still an excellent innings and the bedrock of an impressive total of 259.

Capper superbly caught by the bowler (great photo too!)

After tea (and some first class chicken tikka sandwiches from Nicko) it was time to see what the Heath could do with the ball. Before we even made it to the field though, problems struck. Suffering from dizziness, Atif was driven home by his mate Shaz, who promised to return with another of his mates. That neither of them reappeared left us very light on bowling, but hopefully Atif is ok!

Fronting up to adversity like all great captains (or something like that) I decided to bowl the second over, from the Plough End, and was instantly rewarded with a double wicket maiden. Jez struck in his second over and I again in the fourth to leave Chesham in tatters at 7 for 4. From there Chesham had no option but to shut up shop. With the pitch flat and increasingly slow, no turn, seam or swing to speak of, and faced with a Chesham middle order prepared to graft hard, the match petered out into a dull draw. Everybody barring Capper turned their arm over, and I set some increasingly ludicrous fields (three short mid-wickets anyone?) but it was all to no avail, as Chesham finished 7 down, and the Heath's season remains winless.

Me bowling (note the Stop HS2 sign in the background)

Special thanks for their stints as substitute fielders must go to Ritchie Austin and the supremely energetic Stanley Burgham, who put many of his seniors to shame despite having already played a match for his own club that morning. Much more sensibly, I was in the pub at the time, watching a glorious Ian Bell cover drive...

HHCC vs Great Missenden Pelicans

Skies of cold pewter and a rancid batting collapse marked the start of my 2012 cricket season. After two cancellations due to conditions underfoot, Hyde Heath had kicked things off with an away draw against the Lee the week before, but then came this horrible loss at home, at the once proud and noble Heath. Fortress no more, perhaps?

I have to confess that my slowness in getting round to writing about the match means that it has rather faded into the dank grey that birthed it. Which, to be honest, is probably a good thing. 

We won the toss and bowled first, as is customary. Ali bowled splendidly on a slow pitch to take six wickets and limit the Pelicans to an eminently chase-able 170ish. Operating as second spinner again (harrumph) I took two wickets to mark a reasonable start to the season – although I did drop short too often, and with the wicket the furthest over by the road, was donked for several sixes.

The batting progressed rather serenely until the departure of Capper for a tidy half-century. From 100-odd for 3, we collapsed in a horrible heap. Our entire middle and lower order contrived to get themselves out in stupid ways (I ran myself out second ball) and despite Richard Austin's pyrotechnic 30-odd, we went down by twenty runs. Not good.

HHCC vs Old Salopians

Match cancelled as Old Salopians (whoevever they are) couldn't raise a team.

HHCC vs Bank of England

Haha oh dear. What a hilarious match. Never, I don't think, have I seen Hyde Heath – the mighty, noble Heath – collapse in quite such dismal fashion as we did against Bank of England this Sunday. Never though, it must be said, have I seen the Heath fielding such a weakened team – with both the batting and the bowling looking extremely thin, and, indeed, the fielding. But we can come to that later....

Will Cousins defends

First, the main event: 43 all out. Truly dismal. The rot started with a potentially dubious LBW decision against Dom, who had made 13. Henry then played down the wrong line (or received a vicious off-cutter, depending on who you ask) to get bowled. Spencer was also then bowled, missing a swipe at a low full toss, resulting in the tantalising prospect of the two Cousins – Richard and Will – batting together. Despite some stout defence however it was not to last long, and then we really fell in a heap. Matt clipped to mid-wicket, Jez was caught behind first ball and Liam was bowled, also first ball. I strode out as last man (at number 10) needing to survive the hat-trick ball in order to give Fergus (borrowed from the oppo to give us at least a semblance of a cricket XI) the chance of facing a delivery. Sadly it was not to be, as the ball pitched on a length, shot along the ground and I too registered the dreaded golden duck.

My horrible technique

Earlier, stand-in skipper Matt had won the toss and elected to bowl on a pitch that looked like it would offer a bit to the seamer. We needed to take advantage of the new ball, but Jez failed to locate his usual probing line and length, Spence dropped too short too often, and before we knew it, the Bank had 50 on the board without loss. Matt then turned to Dom and I and we exerted a modicum of control, as well as picking up the occasional wicket. I bowled reasonably – and it was good to get a nice long spell – but neither Dom nor I ever threatened to really run through the opposition. Although perhaps things might have been different were it not for our fielding: specifically, Jez dropping not one but two of the all-time dollies (both of them probably as bad as Capper's spill the week before). Cue strop.

Is that a full toss? Probably...

In the end I took four wickets and Jez returned to bowl full and straight and mop up a tail-end in pursuit of quick runs. The Bank finished on 180, a total which turned out to be well, well beyond us.

On the plus side, Sunday saw the first time Hyde Heath had served up a hot tea – a delicious chilli con carne made by Janet – which is definitely something we could look to add to our repertoire, particularly as the cold and grey of September closes in.

The other positive was that at least it was the Bank of England against whom we collapsed in a heap. They're always a splendid bunch and there's certainly something rather nice about getting to the pub before 6 in the knowledge that the next day is a bank holiday. Good old booze – the universal healer.

The Bank dressed as Australians. Note the presence of 'The Don'

Ivinghoe & Pitstone vs HHCC

A scintillating return to form for yours truly this weekend, as I managed to bowl no less than six overs for less (just) than a run a ball. I didn't take a wicket, and in the context of the match that was actually really quite expensive, but hey ho. At least I managed to land a few, and two even turned quite sharply.

The game was away against Ivinghoe and Pitstone, the scene two years ago of Nicko's brilliant unbeaten 90 in a losing cause, and as it's their ground, it means their rules – ie limited overs. Urgh. We lost the toss and were put in, and after Dom was caught behind by their juggling keeper, Shrimpy and Henry put on a monster 2nd wicket stand of 149. It was by no means plain sailing though, on a very green pitch, that not only offered plenty to seamer and spinner alike, but was also slow and therefore attacking shots were hard to time (or at least, that's what it looked like).

After seeing off some accurate and threatening bowlers, both batsman grew in confidence and flourished against some average change bowling. Shrimpy battled away for an unbeaten 74, whilst Capper made an excellent 86, during which both batsmen had to work (and run) hard for their runs, due to both the size of the ground and some clever fielding set by the oppo. Although quite why they insisted on trying to block Capper's non-existent square cut I'm not so sure. Towards the end of our allocated overs, Harry McHugh came in and belted a couple of big sixes in his run-a-ball 32 and we closed on a highly creditable 216 for 2.

At this point, a quick word on ringers. After a fearful rant a few weeks ago about the use of a semi-professional cricketer by Chesham 'whipping' Bois, I should mention the use by Ivinghoe of a ringer of their own. This time, however, it was less of an onfield scandal as an off-field revelation. Clearly threatened by the strength of the Hyde Heath tea, I&P brought in their heavy artillery in the form of a crack tea-making unit. Coronation chicken sandwiches, egg and cress (clearly home-made), scones laden with jam and clotted cream, sausage rolls, strawberries: truly, this is what cricket is all about. And on behalf of the Heath, I urge the use of such ringers by certain other clubs we play against, mentioning no names of course...

Anyway, back to the field (a stone or two heavier). The Heath were very light on bowling, something which can be badly exposed during limited overs cricket. Fortunately, we were saved by three key figures: the first was Jez, our only full-time 'pace' bowler, who took two wickets in his opening over to put the pressure firmly onto the oppo. The second was Ben, who getting movement both ways, and hitting a niggardly length, proved practically impossible to score off, and bowled all his eight overs off the reel for only ten runs, with the one wicket too. (It would have been more had Capper not dropped one of the all-time great howlers).

And the third was Charlie, who deftly juggled his bowlers (I was first change!) and set some well-balanced fields in order to prevent Ivinghoe from ever really settling. Apart from their tall 'keeper, Daniel (I think) who made 70, nobody else was able to get going, especially as Spencer destroyed their middle order with three wickets, including two in two balls. A bit like Stuart Broad, he stopped with the long-hops, located a fuller length, and reaped the rewards.

From there, the match rather petered out – as is the way with limited overs when one team has no chance of winning. The last ten overs saw both teams rather going through the motions and it all became a bit dull (despite Tim Barnsley and Dom Haddock both taking a well-earned wicket) and we all left thanking the Lord that we play proper time-based cricket every Sunday.

Kent vs Surrey, Canterbury

As England began the four days of cricket that would see them pound India into the ground and in the process overtake them as officially the best Test side in the world, I was not at Edgbaston with them. Nor was I at my desk, with the cricket on one screen (praise be to Sky Player) and some token 'work' on the other. No. Instead, I spent the day down in Canterbury with Matt Sims and his cronies from Pett's Wood and elsewhere, watching some turgid second division cricket in the form of Kent against Surrey.

Things started attractively enough as Kent, who won the toss and elected to bat, fairly raced to 80 off 19 overs, courtesy of attractive innings from England hopeful Joe Denly and rotund England once-was Rob Key (whose double century at Lord's I'm proud to say I witnessed first-hand way back in 2004). But from there progress ground to a halt as a succession of Kent batsmen scratched around and then got out as soon as they got into double figures.

When their sorry innings was over, it was Surrey's turn to get off to a flier – closing on 50 without loss after 12 overs, mainly thanks to the aggressive skipper, Rory Hamilton-Brown.

From following the match on Cricinfo, I see that Surrey collapsed in even grimmer fashion than Kent (to the innocuous medium pace of Darren Stevens of all people – any relation, Jez?), Kent set a stiff target of 370 on the back of what must have been a brilliant innings for Rob Key (after his unbeaten hundred, the next highest score in the whole match was 49) and Surrey folded to Stevens again (and James Tredwell, rather hilariously).


Now, you might think that such a day's play would have confirmed all the sterotypes about county cricket being boring and internationals being where it's at etc. Well kind of, but also it did the opposite. I've spent three days at the two Lord's tests this season (and I'm off to the Oval this Thursday) but to be honest, this was by far the most enjoyable occasion. Lord's I love, but only when you do it right – in the Tavern stand with the members and friends, gently pickling yourself in delicious wines, then snoozing off in the afternoon session, before being rudely awaken by people applauding something happening in the cricket. It's so inconsiderate...

But Lord's isn't always so perfect – one day we were over in the Compton Stand, and the view from under the ugly concrete platforms really is an unpleasant one. That and of course half the people at Lord's are dreadful, and there's so bloody many of them queuing and queing to drink themselves senseless. Even when we were in the Tavern, we arrived at 9.30am ( full hour and a half before play) and still couldn't get five seats together – such was the eagerness of the MCC members, or more aptly, such were the numbers of seats block-booked for corporate jollies.

Canterbury on the other hand is a little saggy round the edges, slightly dilapidated – particularly in the brilliant Frank Woolley Stand (not Frank Worrell as I had mistakenly enquired of a bemused looking steward) – and decidedly parochial. But therein lies its (and indeed cricket's) charm. Here, during Canterbury Cricket Week time, are dedicated cricket lovers (as opposed to blazered bankers), happy families, kids (and us) playing cricket on the outfield, bacon baps (for which one doesn't have to queue), and kegs of delicious real ale for £2.90 a pint – the highlight being Harvey's delightful Olympia golden ale, brewed a few miles away in Lewes, East Sussex. It really is a wonderful atmosphere here – one that revolves around the cricket, but doesn't totally rely upon it. What a joy.

HHCC vs Gamecox

An Ex-Chairman writes...

Michael Simkins in his book on village cricket, The Last Flannelled Fool (available from Telegraph Books - any chance of a free copy?) asserted that the game of cricket’s soul abides on our village greens. However, maybe not in the middle of August when our captain is arranging the composition of the side from Croatia, the best batsman is away, camping (enough said), the purveyor of spin and insight is unavailable (also camping [against his will – Ed.]) and everyone else seems to be away with Mummy, Daddy and Ryan Air.

For the first time for a long while, the Heath were a bit short not just from Stanley Burgham making his debut (and a very good one, too), but because of a few late drop-outs. In all honesty, most of the players are very good at phoning an apology, but it must be said there is nothing more frustrating than expecting someone who doesn’t appear and keeps his phone switched off. Anyway, 7 originals plus the aforementioned Stanley, the captain’s brother-in-law and the ex-chairman who only came to report the demise of the mower, made up to a creditable 10. Ben Sonley kindly stood around as eleventh man, didn’t bat, had his tea and left for his radio show at 5.00!

Peter Cox won the toss and inserted the Heath, never a good thing for us. Mike, the groundsman, came back early from his holiday to present a very good pitch and we were off. Shrimpy and Dom looked very good, hitting several boundaries until Shrimpy was out to a “pearler” even Anderson would have been proud of, and Dom followed soon after. To the wicket strode Nick, father of Stanley, and murderer of short bowling. Firstly Liam and then Spencer gave him support as he laid in to their bowling. Liam, one short of his best score, and Spencer with a solid 20, led to the ex-chairman battling to survive up one end, while Nick treated the same bowling with disdain. Maybe by fate, a severe calf injury left him anchored to the crease with a runner but just as brutal. 89 runs with 3 sixes was a great return. Next in was Jeremy who again made the bowling look easy and scored a fine 50. Up the other end, the bowling seemed much more difficult, although 27 not out, gives the senior Capper a better average than junior but slightly less runs (609 less)!

236 for 5 off 37 overs was a good score but the tea was even better. Excellent sandwiches, dreamy chocolate, ginger and fairy cakes, melon, strawberries and sausages, hopefully, would dull the Gamecox’s batting. Thank you ladies.

Down to 9 fielders, young Josh agreed to help us out and later took a stunning catch at mid-wicket. After a fast start from the opposition, Jeremy bowled really well and accurately as did Richard Austin, our captain for the day.

Richard then rang the changes with Liam, David and Spencer all bowling creditably. Gradually the score crept up with a good second wicket partnership and with 6 an over needed off the last 17 overs it could have been a close game. However an excellent catch by Liam and some great bowling by Jeremy (4 for 48), Richard (2 for 40) and Shrimpy, slowed things down and at the end Gamecox were struggling. 209 for 7 and a tense final over saw the game to a close. Actually, after the struggle for players at the start, there was some very good cricket. The fielding was very good indeed with Shrimpy, Spencer, Liam, Dom, Josh and Stanley the main men.

Simkins says “Faith is what’s required in village cricket, faith that the sun will come out, faith that the opposition will turn up (or all of the agreed players for our side), faith that their best batsman will nick an edge (and walk!) and faith that the game won’t disappoint.” This game was, actually, of a high standard, in spite of being a tricky time of year and Josh, Stanley and Ben should be congratulated for making a game out of what could have been a disappointing day.